


Pain

by devo79



Category: Firefly
Genre: M/M, Rape/Non-con References
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-15
Updated: 2012-04-15
Packaged: 2017-11-03 17:48:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 9
Words: 15,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/384183
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/devo79/pseuds/devo79





	1. Deannach

“My head!” Simon rolls onto his back, hands covered in dried blood clutching at his head. 

He tries to focus, tries to remember why he’s down on the ground, brown dust covering his clothes. He attempts to sit up. Ordering his knees to bend but somehow his brain and legs are no longer on speaking terms. 

“Wa’ ‘appened?” Jayne's voice seems muffled. 

“We crashed…Got out just in t-time…,” Simon remembers. 

His legs are working this time, he unfolds into an upright position and lurches forward, finally tumbling down next to Jayne. The merc’s arm is bruised, his lips swollen, his nose caked with dried blood. 

Simon remembers holding a cloth against Jayne’s bleeding nose, blood covering his fingers. Remembers running back to the burning shuttle and getting his medbag, next thing he knows he’s waking up. 

“Blew up! Gorram pile o’ shit!” Jayne curses but keeps still while Simon tends to his wounds. 

“Think the distress signal got on its way?” Simon squints his eyes against the glare of the burning sun. 

“Don’t know,” Jayne looks over at the smouldering heap of metal that’s left of the shuttle. “Wa’ I do know is that we’re needing to get out of da sun.” 

Holding on to Simon they both manage to stand up. 

“Where do we go?” 

“I saw a town just ‘fore we crashed. Might be we can get some help there,” Jayne points in a direction that will take them away from the shuttle. 

“But the signal…?” 

“If’n it got out they won't have too much trouble finding us. Don’t matter though! We can’t stay out here. It’ll git to warm soon an’ we haven’t got no water.” Simon nods in agreement and they start walking.

\-----------------------------------------

“So no distress signal or anything else,” Wash looks very worried.

“How long since we heard from them last?” Zoe asks.

“’Fore they left Thebs, after Simon was done doctoring our contact,” Mal pinches the bridge of his nose.

“Think Jayne…?” Wash says knowing he doesn’t have to finish the sentence.

“No,” Book answers quietly.

“Even if it troubles me to say so, I don’t think Jayne would sell out Simon. Not after how he saved Jayne’s life couple o’ months back,” Mal says.

\------------------------------------------

Simon is confused. “There doesn’t seem to be anybody around? It looks as if everyone just left.” 

Jayne points to some dark spots on the horizon. “Thinking it’s an old mining town. Mine dries out, people leave,” he explains scratching his nose. 

“Don’t touch it. You’ll just start bleeding again,” Simon shakes his head and continues “So there are other towns?” 

“Prop’ly not…only noticed this one. Small moon like this won’t…” 

Simon interrupts “But surely there must be someone here…somewhere!”

“Naaaw,” Jayne shakes his head.

\------------------------------------------

Kaylee cries. 

Her eyes are red and puffy. Mal feels sorry for her but doesn’t know what to say and he’s too worried about River to take the time to find the right words. The girl seems to be oblivious to her brothers disappearance. 

When Mal told her Simon and Jayne were missing she just looked at him, smiled and said the most baffling thing, “Spooky,” and then she giggled. The preacher was taking care of her now and that forced Mal to take care of Kaylee. 

He’s hugging her and telling her that everything is going to be all right although he knows that he’s probably lying to her. The doctor and the mercenary have been missing for over a month now and Mal knows, and he suspects that the rest of the crew know it too, that the longer it takes them to find their missing crewmembers the slimmer the chances are of finding them alive.

\-------------------------------------

They find a small house on the edge of the village. Jayne says it’s best if they stay there. Simon can see why. Tt’s close enough to the rest of town to not be noticed but it’s also a good vantage point. 

Simon really doesn’t like to walk around the empty houses and Jayne starts to find it hilarious to jump out and scare the living daylights out of Simon every chance he gets. 

“Aaww ya look like ya’re gonna…” 

“Just shut up!” Simon pleads but knows that it’s just because the big merc is bored that he keeps teasing. 

They’ve gone through every house these last two week or so. They’ve found plenty of canned foods and forgotten protein packs. Probably enough to last them a year, not that Simon intends to be here that long. 

Jayne has caught a few rabbit-like animals. He keeps referring to them as big-ass-rats but there is no way Simon is eating them if they are calling them that, so Jayne starts calling them ugly-ass-rabbits, something Simon can live with. 

They still haven’t gone through the biggest house in the village. They plan to do so today. They’ve stayed away because Jayne thinks there might be some security systems. It turns out there isn’t and the front door is not even locked. It’s hanging slightly crooked on it’s hinges and Simon pushes it open. 

It squeaks. 

“Spooky,” Jayne whispers, hot breath ghosting over Simon’s ear. 

“Oh! Ha ha. So very funny,” Simon comments dryly. 

“Ain’t it just!” the big man grins and pushes past Simon into the hallway. 

“I’m gonna look for food n’ stuff.” 

“Figures,” Simon answers. 

“Wha’! Ya got something ‘gainst eating, Doc?” 

Neither of them have said it yet, but they both know the distress signal never left the shuttle. Even though the captain is looking for them, and he is Simon keeps reassuring himself of that, there are a lot of planets and moons in this system and he’s not even sure they know which system to start looking in.

\-------------------------------------------

“So you recon they must be somewhere around here?” Mal is pointing at the charts.

“They could be in either of the two systems,” Book nods.

“It’s gonna take an awful amount of time to find them,” Zoe frowns.

“If they’re still alive," Mal says. “What!…If they crashed then they could be dead,” He feels like he has to defend himself when the rest of the crew just stare at him.

“So,” Kaylee says, fighting to keep calm and not cry, “When do we start looking?”

“Now it seems,” Mal mumbles looking at River. 

She still hasn’t reacted to Simon’s disappearance. Mal just hopes she won’t go full-flung-crazy on them cause they really don’t need that right now.

\-------------------------------

Jayne and Simon share the only bed in the house. They could get an extra bed from one of the other houses but neither of them have commented on it. Anyway, there isn’t enough room for another bed in the small bedroom. 

“Don’t think we aughta sleep in separate rooms until we’re gorram sure we’re alone here,” Jayne says holding Binky up so her blade catches the sunlight streaming through the window. 

What Jayne will never tell Simon is that this place creeps him out just as much as it does the Doc.

Later Jayne wakes up. He sighs and turns over. The blue light from one of the other moons shines through the window making everything in the small bedroom seem ghostly. 

Everything, except Simon. The young man is sleeping with only his boxers on, it’s just too gorram warm to wear anything else, and this means that his lightly muscled chest is coloured a silvery blue. 

The sudden urge to reach out and run his hand over Simons skin takes hold of Jayne and it takes all his willpower not to do it. Simon shifts in his sleep moving closer to Jayne. 

It’s a big bed but right now it just isn’t big enough. Simon is whispering something and Jayne moves closer, despite the voice in the back of his head that’s telling him it’s a really bad idea. His face is only inches away from Simon’s when he whispers again. 

“River…Please don’t…we need to be safe…it’ll just make you sleep…mei mei…Please don’t do this to me,” Simon’s voice is worried and pleading.

\--------------------------------------------

River dances to music only she can hear. 

The instruments make shapes and colours move inside her. All ragged and sharp. Soft and curved. She twirls and twirls around her own core. In and out of sanity. 

She could tell if she wanted. She nods to her self, still dancing, yes she could tell. But she will not. It is not time yet. Things need to converge and intertwine. Brain and brawn. Smarts and brute force. 

She sees how it should be, how it could be, better in red. She sees how it would have been here on her Serenity all wrong and awkward. Unspoken need and pain. And she knows pain. Her ge ge doesn’t deserve pain. 

So she could tell, yes, but she will not. 

Not yet.

\------------------------------------------

“Oh my God!” Simon yells. “Yes!” he is practically dancing around. 

“Wha‘?” Jayne comes running in through the kitchen door of the big house. He has his gun ready just in case. 

“SOAP!” Simon grins. “I found soap. Real honest-to-God-soap. You are familiar with soap, right?” 

Jayne is looking at him as if he has finally and completely lost his mind. “You ain’t quite right in the head, Doc!” he says shaking his head laughing. “So what’re ya gonna do with soap anyways ? Still haven’t found ’nuff water so we can waste some on baths.” 

“Oh” Simon says but still clutches the bar of soap as if it’s his ticket back on Serenity. He takes a few steps in the direction of the door but trips over a broken chair. Simon tries to stay on his feet but it’s too late. He has already lost his balance. 

Jayne moves forward in an attempt to catch him and Simon ends up on his knees in front of the merc. Simon’s face is practically pressed against Jayne’s crotch. 

”Hey wat’cha doing, Crotch Sniffer?” Jayne laughs. 

”Oh God! Just SHUT UP!” Simon gets up. ”Gorram man ape! If you tell anybody, and I mean anybody, about this I will kill you!” he says cheeks blushing. 

”Yeah yeah!” Jayne says as he turns around and leaves the room. ”Wha’ ever ya say. Crotch Sniffer!” 

Simon puts a hand over his mouth to conceal the fact that he’s smiling.

\----------------------------

Book is cleaning the Infirmary. 

It’s odd how this room seems to belong to Simon. The preacher feels strangely guilty just being in here without the young doctors permission. He tries not to move too many things around. 

Simon was…is, Book corrects himself, very meticulous about the order of things in here. He suspects it’s because this small room is the only thing Simon has any real control over. 

Outside of the Infirmary chaos rules the young mans world and his grasp of things slip. 

In here he calls the shots but on the other side of the door, he is helpless in a world he does not understand. Book closes the last cabinet and prays for Simon and Jayne.

\-------------------------------------

Jayne and Simon are eating. 

They’re quiet. It’s not like they’ve got anything to talk about. All day they’ve only seen each other and you can only have so many conversations about dust. So when Jayne starts talking Simon is a little startled. The merc talks about how he screwed up his first heist because he kept looking at the bank managers wife instead of the guard. 

”Got shot that day. In the gorram arm. Good thing that guard was a piss poor shot.” Simon laughs. He can easily imagine a young Jayne ogling the bank managers wife. 

Simon tells Jayne about a young guy who came to the emergency room blushing so badly his face was red as a tomato. Simon is already laughing making it hard to tell the story. 

”Sorry,” he giggles. ”But the kid was so desperate that he’d tried to masturbate using a lead pipe,” Simon blushes and has to take a big breath in order to finish the story. Jayne is already bellowing with laughter. 

”But…but he forgot that certain things grow…when…when,” Simon just can’t go on. 

”He get stuck?” Jayne asks sniggering. Simon can only nod his head. ”Wha’ ya’r do? Cut it off?” Jayne looks a little uncomfortable now despite the fact that he’s still laughing. Simon shakes his head 

”No! We got hold of some…” Simon hiccups ”…some magazines…all we could do was wait for things to take their natural course.”

\------------------------------------------

They have to break off their search every now and again to do jobs. They still need to eat and refuel the ship. Mal is starting to think that the two missing crewmembers are dead but he knows it’s best to keep his mouth firmly shut on that particular subject. 

Last time he mentioned the possibility Kaylee started crying and just wouldn’t stop.

\-----------------------------

Simon is watching Jayne board up some of the windows. The house they live in is old and in need of repairs, a few of the windows are broken and it’s easier to board them up than replace them. 

Jayne is sweating and Simon is following one particular drop of sweat that’s slowly running down between the merc’s shoulders. The muscles in Jayne’s back ripple under the strain of the work and Simon can’t help but look. 

He finds that he’s been doing that far more often than he is comfortable with these last few weeks. Simon was never uncomfortable with his sexual preferences but he knows that others might be, especially out on the Rim, so he hasn’t told anyone on Serenity. 

It’s not even like he has any experience with sex. That one time with the guy at MedAcad doesn’t count. Nothing really happened and later on Simon was far too involved in saving River. 

But that doesn’t mean he can’t appreciate the pure masculinity of Jayne. All rough edges and muscles.

\--------------------------------

”I’m really sorry Kaylee! But we have to do this,” Mal is shaking his head sternly.

”But…but if we take Badger’s job then we’re going to stop looking,” Kaylee is grabbing the edge of the table, her knuckles white with the effort of not crying.

”Not stopping,” Mal says looking straight at Kaylee. ”Delaying…taking a break to refuel and restock. You know we’re low on almost everything.” 

Mal considers Kaylee’s sad expression. ”We’ll come right back after an’ continue looking.”

”Might be too late then," Kaylee whispers and Inara hugs her tightly. Both women leave the table and Book turns in his seat to face the Captain. 

”Have you considered that it might already be too late, Captain?” 

Mal frowns then he sighs and says ”Ain’t leaving no man behind.”

\---------------------------------------

“Ya starting to stink there, Doc!” Jayne says leaning over Simon to take another piece of roasted ugly-ass-rabbit. 

“And you aren’t?” Simon looks pissed off. Jayne just smirks. 

They’ve been stuck on the planet 3 month now. Simon still shaves methodically every morning using the supplies he found in the big house. He’s protecting the soap bar with his life. Jayne has been using a lot of time trying to find enough water for them to get a good wash and today he finally struck luck. 

It’s in a manmade cave. Looks like the miners were trying to find valuable ore but ended up hitting an underground lake instead. He smiles, but makes sure Simon doesn’t see it, Doc’s gonna be mighty surprised tomorrow and better smelling too.

\--------------------------------------

“Where are we going? Jayne?” Simon is trying to keep up with the big merc.

“Just shut up and move, Doc!”

“Alright I’m moving! Lots of moving going on behind your back right h…,” Simon stops dead in his tracks. Oh God he hadn’t just said that, but Jayne didn’t seem to notice so maybe he hadn’t heard. 

Jayne has to bite his own tongue not to say something to embarrass the Doc and make him blush prettily. Cause what he has planed is just too good to ruin. They finally arrive at the entrance to the cave.

“After you.” Jayne says and bows slightly. Simon takes a step back he looks like he’s about to panic. 

“Wha..” he begins asking but then Jayne just grabs him by the collar of his dirty shirt and throws him inside. Jayne starts laughing when he hears a splash and Simon's indignant scream. 

“Fuck you Jayne! What do you…WATER! Oh my goodness! We can have a bath! More importantly YOU can have a bath!” 

Jayne walks further into the cave and starts undressing. Simon turns around and is about to say something when he sees a completely naked Jayne jump into the lake. Where did he go? Surely he’ll need air soon. 

“Looking fer me?” Jayne whispers in Simon’s ear making him yelp in surprise. 

“Get away from me your naked!” 

“Well not much point in getting all wet with ya’r clothes on!” Jayne says tugging at Simon’s shirt. 

“What are you doing, Jayne?” Simon’s voice is very low now. Jayne wouldn’t have heard it if he wasn’t so close to the soaked Doc. 

“Wha’ do ya think?” Jayne asks back. 

“Seems like you’re pulling my clothes off,” Simon’s eyes are locked with Jayne’s. 

“That so?” Jayne grins. 

“Mmm hmmm,” Simon nods.

\---------------------------------

Mal is sitting in the galley. Jayne and Simon have been gone for 3 months and if he’s honest with himself he doesn’t expect to see either of them ever again. He’s been thinking about stopping the search. 

“Ya want this?” Mal looks up in surprise, he hadn’t noticed River entering the room. 

“River what…,” he says as he stands up but he’s interrupted by her voice. It sounds strangely different but still oddly recognizable. 

“Depends…” Mal will swear to his dying day that she sounds exactly like her brother. She even smiles like him. Shy, gentle. 

River is standing right in front of him now. “On what?” the girl continues. 

Oh my God is that Jayne’s teasing leer on Rivers face? 

“On whether or not it’s because I’m the only one here!” Simon reaches out running his fingers along Jayne’s strong jaw. “Because if that’s it…” “then I don’t!” 

River lets her thumb run over Mal’s lips. She removes her hand and shakes her head. 

“Simon” River says “it ain’t like that.” Jayne caresses Simons collarbone letting his hands fall to the younger man’s hips. “I want ya! And not because we’re stuck at the ass-end of the Verse.” 

River’s eyes grow wide with Simon’s surprise but her face changes immediately. 

“If ya don’t want it…”, River’s voice is low and husky as she slips her arms around Mal’s waist, “ya gotta say so now!” River whispers leaning against Mal, “I don’t think I can stop once I get started “ 

Jayne is drowning in the scent of Simon. Mal tries to pull away but River isn’t done. She just looks up at him and laughs “Well if that’s the case…”, Simon grinds his hips against Jayne’s, Mal yelps thinking that this is getting out of hand, “then YES! Please! I want you Jayne!” 

Mal needs her to stop. 

“Just…” River whispers looking up at Mal through her lashes “be gentle”. 

She stands on tiptoe so her mouth is closer to Mal’s ear. “Promise.” Her warm breath against his ear makes him shiver. He puts his hands on her shoulders and pushes her away. Gently. 

“They’re alive aren’t they?” He doesn’t want to know what they’re doing just that they’re alive. 

River laughs “Warm and dusty. Ghosts in town, but sated.” Her grin widens and she giggles as she runs to her room.

\---------------------------------

Jayne’s hands are all over his body and Simon is just trying to keep up with him. But Jayne keeps his promise and he’s strangely gentle as he pulls Simon closer. They moved out of the water when Simon’s clothes just wouldn’t come off. 

Now they’re laying on the brink of the lake. Jayne is sucking on the soft skin just behind Simon’s ear. He murmurs “Really want ya,” They are both panting now. “Can I?” 

“Jayne..I..haven’t…,” Jayne abruptly stops his movements. 

“Ya done this before?” Simon looks away 

“Just let me go..” he wont look at Jayne when he begins to laugh, and he’s going to, Simon is sure of that. 

“Simon” Jayne forces him to look. “Ain’t nothing to be ashamed of.” He kisses the younger man for the first time, putting all the reassuring words he can’t say into it. “Tell me if I do something ya don’t want” He strokes Simon’s chest slowly. “I said I’d be gentle an’ I will!” 

Simon nods for, once at a loss for words. “Ya gotta say it, Simon. Ain’t gonna do nothing if ya don’t say it.” Simon lets out a long sigh and nods trying to rearrange his thoughts into sentence that make sense. 

“I want this, Jayne. I want you. I want all of it.” Jayne smiles and kisses him again.

\------------------------------------------

Their first time together will always make Simon smile with the memory of Jayne’s worried expression when Simon hissed and clenched his eyes shut. 

Jayne asking if he’d hurt him and Simon’s own words of reassurance telling him that 

“No! You will never hurt me” and the shock of realising those words to be true.

\-----------------------------------

Jayne is on the bed, in the small house they’ve lived in for 5 months now. The morning sun is shining through the bedroom window making Simon’s hair look all shiny. 

He’s naked, which is all kinds of nice. Jayne smiles as he reaches out to caress Simon’s ass. He just can’t get enough of touching him. It’s like an addiction, the need to touch. 

“Ass Appreciator,” Simon mumbles into the mattress. 

“Shut ya’r mouth! Crotch Sniffer!” Jayne sniggers playfully. 

”I thought you liked it when I do that,” Simon turns around facing Jayne. 

”Yeah...,” Jayne smiles warmly, ”and I thought ya liked it when I appreciate ya’r ass.” 'Simon just looks at him for a long moment then he starts laughing so hard he can’t breathe. ”Hey! What’s so funny?” Jayne says lightly punching Simon’s shoulder. 

”What would…the…rest of the crew say if…they could h-hear us now?” Simon wheezes in between giggles.

\-----------------------------------

River starts laughing so hard protein mush comes out of her nose. She just can’t stop. 

”A-a-a-sssssssss” she giggles. The rest of the crew look at her with worried expressions. Book thinks about what sedatives he will need to calm her down.

”Did she just say ass?” Wash asks a stone-faced Zoe. Mal just puts a hand over his eyes. 

He’s told the crew that River had sensed Jayne and Simon were alive and relatively well. He hadn’t said anything about what they had been doing when she saw them. And thank God for that! 

He just wished that he didn’t know as well.

\-------------------------------------

Jayne is sitting on the edge of the lake only his feet are submerged in the cool water. Simon is taking his daily bath. Jayne always goes with him, even if he isn’t in the mood for a soak, because more often than not they both end up naked anyway. 

Simon is softly humming a song. Jayne has been thinking about him and Simon an awful lot lately. Most of those thoughts have been about Jayne ripping the younger mans clothes off and them just enjoying the hell out of each other. 

But lately he’s been thinking about what would happen if they ever return to Serenity.

\-----------------------------------

Simon is rummaging through some clothes in one of the abandoned houses. They could both really use some new clothes. Well, some used new clothes anyway. He is so preoccupied with finding something Jayne would fit into that he doesn’t hear the low growl behind him. 

He isn’t alerted to the animal until he’s jumped. It’s a huge cat-like animal. All claws and teeth. Big teeth. And brown thick fur. Simon tries to get away but it’s fast and seems to anticipate Simon’s every move.

\-------------------------------------

Jayne is coming home. He walks through town with the rabbits he’s caught slung over his back. He’s thinking about Simon when he hears him scream. Jayne throws down everything and runs toward the sound. At first he picks the wrong house. Running through empty rooms, hearing the screams but not finding Simon. Jayne starts panicking. 

Simon isn’t in there. 

He runs out again and slams the door to the next house open. Simon is yelling his name. He sounds as if he’s in pain. Jayne hurries up the stairs taking it three steps at a time. What he sees in the nearly empty room makes his heart stop. 

Simon is on the floor unconscious, Jayne prays that he’s only unconscious, a big animal is tearing at Simon’s arm. Jayne doesn’t hesitate. He kills the beast with a shot through the neck.

\------------------------------------

River is screaming her head off. 

Mal tries to hold her down, but can’t help marvel at the small girl's strength. Book is trying to inject her with a sedative. Her arms are thrashing all over the place making it hard to hold her down so the preacher can do his job, but finally he succeeds. 

Mal strokes her hair until she settles down. 

“The girl didn’t anticipate. Unexpected,” her words are already slurred. 

“Unexpected participant. All teeth and claws. Pain…,” she passes out resting her head against Mal‘s shoulder.

\-------------------------------------------------

Jayne carries Simon back to the house. The Doc has a big gash on his left cheek and his arm is bleeding really bad. He stares right at Jayne but doesn’t speak. He just clutches Jayne’s shirt as if letting go would break him.

\---------------------------------------------------

“Is she asleep?” Zoe looks at River. She is curled up under blankets, sleeping on the sofa. 

“Yeah,” Mal is exhausted. 

“You think she was picking something up…from her brother I mean,” Zoe leans against the wall. 

“Hope not. She was talking about claws and teeth…and pain,” Mal runs a hand through his hair. 

“We’ll find them,” Zoe says as if stating a fact. 

“Leave no man behind?” Mal asks. 

“Leave no man behind!” she answers.

\-------------------------------------------

Simon turns in his sleep. The bed creaks. He’s mumbling something, Jayne can’t quite hear. He gets out of the chair he’s been sleeping in for three days. 

Simon’s fever seems to come and go but for the last 12 hours or so it’s been worse than ever. He’s been hallucinating and babbling non-stop for a few hours and the blanket covering his shivering body is drenched with sweat. 

Jayne gently pulls it of and covers him with a dry one. Jayne has kept the wounds clean and used the meds Simon told him to use but the gash on his cheek is still going to scar. Jayne has caught himself praying a couple of times. 

“Please, please don’t die on me,” he whispers as he sits down on the edge of the bed. 

“Please,” he traces his big hand over Simon’s heaving chest. How much more can Simon’s body take?

“Jayne,” it’s barely a whisper. “I-I’m cold,” Simon stammers. 

Jayne crawls over him and pulls the smaller man against his broad chest. Holding him like this makes it obvious that Simon has lost too much weight these last 3 days. Simon mumbles something inaudible and turns his head to stare right at Jayne. His eyes look like they’re on fire and he lifts a shaking hand and touches Jayne’s lips. 

“Love y...,” he says but then his body starts shaking, his eyes close as he surrenders to the fever yet again. 

Jayne fights the tears that sting his eyes. He can’t afford to lose control now, not with Simon needing him like this. He takes a deep breath and starts talking while stroking Simon’s hair. 

He talks about his Ma and her cooking, about how he teamed up with Mal, about how much he wants Simon to pull through and just before he falls asleep he tells Simon how much he loves him.

\-------------------------------------

“It’s done!” River says sitting up in her bed. 

“Time to come home,” she starts humming and singing. She dances out into the hall and feels the worried thoughts of the crew. 

The Captain is almost ready to give up. Kaylee’s heart is slowly bleeding out. The preacher has prayed so much and found no relief and he begins to doubt the power of prayers. Zoe will follow the Captain. She always does. And Wash is starring into the black wondering if he’s staring right at Jayne and Simon without knowing it. 

It’s time. 

They are ready.

\--------------------------------------

Simon is sitting on the porch eating a protein bar .Jayne will not let him out of his sight and that’s strangely comforting. But at least he lets him sit on the porch without babysitting him. 

“Jayne,” Simon calls. 

“Wha’?” the door opens and Jayne stomps out, Binky in his hand, eyes scanning the area. 

“You fancy a bath?” they both know what baths lead to and Simon looks up at Jayne and smiles. 

“You sure about that?” Jayne says sitting down next to him, resting his big warm hand on the small of Simon’s back. And if Simon wasn’t sure before he is now. 

“Yes,” he nods. 

“It’s just ya’r still a mite pale and I don’t wanna…” 

“I’m sure Jayne,” Simon interrupts putting his hand on Jayne’s thigh. 

“Don’t think ya should walk there though ya’r still weak,” Jayne says running a hand through Simon’s dark hair. 

“Well we could just skip the bath, I guess,” Simon chuckles leaning into the caress. 

“Yeah?” Jayne kisses Simon’s neck. 

“Yeah!” Jayne laughs and picks Simon up and almost drags him towards the front door. 

“So wha’ are ya waiting for?”

\---------------------------------------

“She WHAT?” Mal just can’t believe his ears.

“She walked through that door,” Wash points to the door leading to the bridge as if performing a great play with lots of interesting dialog and daring swordfights “Punches in some numbers,” he spins around in the pilots chair and points dramatically to the navcom.

Mal is losing his temper “And?” he growls dangerously. 

“And this!” the pilot says pushing some buttons bringing up a chart on the screen.

“Deannach? That’s where they are?” Mal asks. Wash nods. 

”They are ready” River startles them all and Kaylee moves so the girl can enter the room. 

”Who’s ready?” Kaylee looks confused. River gently strokes her hair. River never meant for Kaylee to be hurt but Simon never really wanted her and sometimes pain can’t be helped. She knows that better than anyone. Better than anyone should ever have to. 

”They are waiting,” she simply declares turns around and goes to her brothers room.

\----------------------------------------

Zoe and Mal enter the small house River described to them. 

They are slowly moving up the stairs gun in hand just in case someone else is there. Mal looks in through the only door on the first floor landing. He’s stunned, it’s not that he could misunderstand what the girl had told him, it’s just...well he didn’t really believe it. 

Not really. 

“You ok?” Zoe whispers. Mal is just standing there mouth open and gun pointing toward his own feet. “Mal?” he doesn’t react. She walks over to stand next to him. 

She’ll later describe it to Wash, again and again. It’s not so much that the two men are sharing a bed, it’s the way Jayne is hugging Simon against his chest, the way Simon rests his head on the merc’s shoulder, the way all the tension has left the young doctor’s body. But most of all it’s Jayne’s peaceful facial expression. 

Mal and Zoe silently back away from the door and tiptoe out of the house. When they’re outside Mal takes a deep breath and yells “Jayne? Simon? You there?” 

It takes a couple of minutes, but then the door bursts open and Jayne comes dashing out, Mal just has time to thank all the deities that the merc is dressed, before he picks Mal up and hugs him fiercely bellowing “Hell yeah!” 

Simon is standing on the porch smiling. His shirt is buttoned all wrong and his skin isn’t as pale as it used to be but apart from that it’s the Simon Zoe remembers.

\----------------------------------------

After they return to Serenity Simon gives Jayne and himself a check up. He’s relieved when the test results show that they’re both in good health, all things considered. 

Kaylee is hovering outside the Infirmary watching Simon and Jayne. They seem mighty friendly but then again they have spend the last 8 months alone together. That was bound to get them more familiar with each other. 

She’s about to leave when she notices Jayne reachs out and lets his thumb trace over the scar on Simon’s face. She half expects Simon to back away and scold the merc but instead he smiles and takes Jayne’s hand and holds it. He says something. Jayne nods and smiles. Then Simon leans forward and rests his head on Jayne’s shoulder. 

Kaylee turns and walks back to the engine room tears stinging her eyes.

\----------------------------------------

They’re all sitting in the galley eating. It’s strange, to sit at the table again and eat with the rest of the crew. Everybody’s talking. Simon, Jayne and River are the only ones not joining in the conversation and Kaylee keeps looking at them. 

River is watching Jayne watching Simon. Her brother is sitting opposite Jayne and the merc’s grey-blue eyes follow Simon's every move. He's eating slowly, closing his eyes every time he puts another piece of food in his mouth. There isn’t a protein bar in sight only real food in celebration of their return. Simon smiles when he bites down on a strawberry. 

Jayne remembers the first time he noticed that particular smile. It was their first time together and he had smiled just like that when Jayne had teasingly whispered 

“Crotch Sniffer,” Rivers voice is loud and everybody stops talking. Jayne starts laughing then chokes on a piece of potato. 

Simon blushes, looks at Jayne and then he’s laughing too, gets up and walks around the table. He starts slapping Jayne hard on the back. Then he bends down to whisper something in Jayne’s ear, his lips touching the ear briefly. Whatever he’s said it makes Jayne laugh so hard tears start rolling down his cheeks. 

River smiles “Ass..,” she starts saying but her brother’s hand is over her mouth before she can finish. Now everybody is joining in, laughing even if they don’t understand why. Mal leans back in his chair and smiles.


	2. Promise

They sit around the table. The bar is darkly lit and they are all a little too quiet, a little too stone-faced. Jayne is the only one who seems to be enjoying himself. The whore sitting on his lap keeps giggling as his hands roam over her waist and back. 

“Ain’t ya a pretty one?” he growls in her ear loud enough for everyone to hear. Simon flinches in his seat but doesn’t look up. He’s pale and thin, his hair looks like it could use a good wash and his fingers keep drawing circles on his knees. 

Zoe would like to take Jayne outside and beat him senseless with the butt of her gun but instead she holds on to Wash’s hand a little tighter. Jayne wants a reaction from Simon but he won’t get it cause the doc isn’t paying attention to anything. Not anymore. 

“Maybe you should take that somewhere else, Jayne,” Mal says his face hiding the anger he feels. 

“Naawww! Sitting real good here,” Jayne responds tickling the whore making her laugh as she nibbles his ear. 

“That wasn’t a suggestion!” Zoe says eyes locking with Jayne’s. The merc gets up and looks at Simon. He’s just sitting there looking at his hands, turning them to look at the palms. 

“I’ll just go upstairs with her then,” Jayne says, eyes not leaving Simon’s hands. 

“You do that!” Mal says. Simon looks up as the merc walks away. But he isn’t looking at Jayne he’s looking at the ceiling. River makes a noise and Simon focuses all his attention on her. 

“Are you alright mei mei? Do you need anything?” he asks, his hands finally stopping their motion. 

“Not me,” she answers shaking her head sadly “Not me.” Simon doesn’t answer. He just goes right back to looking at his hands.

 

\--------------------------------------------------

 

It’s been two months since Simon moved back to his old room and Mal had hoped that perhaps getting off the ship and going - well, going anywhere else - would put a smile on the doc’s face. 

He hasn’t smiled for so long. Not since they were rescued from the hands of those bounty hunters. Not that there’s been any reason for Simon to smile, not after what they did to him. 

Don’t tell Jayne. You have to promise, Mal! Please.

 

__________________________________

 

*Ten months earlier*

 

No announcement is made. There is no public declaration of love and yet within a few days everyone on Serenity knows that Simon and Jayne are sharing a bunk. It’s a relief, Simon thinks, because he wouldn’t know what to say anyway. 

He yawns and moves closer to Jayne’s warm body. When he first joined the crew he would never have believed, not even fantasized - well okay he had fantasized - that he would be sharing Jayne’s bed. But all those months he spent alone with Jayne stuck on an abandoned mining moon turned his life upside down. 

“Mmmmm,” Jayne murmurs reaching out and putting a big arm around Simon, hugging him closer. Simon rests his head on Jayne’s shoulder. 

“Think it’s time to get up,” he whispers. 

“Git up then!” Jayne says holding the smaller man tighter. 

“Well that’s a little hard. You...,” Simon is interrupted when the comm to Jayne’s quarters chimes. 

Jayne pushes the button on the comm-unit by the bed and grumbles sleepily “Yeah?” 

“You two decent?” Mal’s voice asks. 

“Hell no! I ain’t ever been decent!” Jayne bellows and wriggles his eyebrows at Simon, who starts to giggle. 

“Are you dressed?” Does Mal sound a bit uncomfortable? 

Jayne lifts the covers and looks down at himself and Simon. This makes Simon laugh even louder. Simon is wearing his blue cotton sleep pants and Jayne is sporting his green boxers. 

“Yeah!” Jayne says answering Mal’s question. 

Jayne gets up and puts his cargo pants on just as Mal opens the door and climbs down the ladder. When Mal’s booted feet hit the floor Simon gets up and starts searching for his sweater. Mal looks at them. His eyes focus on Jayne. 

“We’re needing to talk about this,” his hand waves back and forth between Simon and Jayne. 

“Wha’ ’bout it?” Jayne says defensively. 

“This gonna disrupt proceedings onboard?” Mal asks when Simon finally finds his sweater and puts it on. 

“No,” Jayne answers. 

“And you,” Mal says turning to Simon “Can you operate without being distracted?” 

“Yeah as long as he ain’t operating on my...” 

“Jayne!” Simon interrupts a smirking Jayne with a shocked yelp. 

“Yes of course, Captain,” he says blushing. 

Mal considers this and turns around. He is halfway up the rungs when he stops and looks at the two men. Who would have thought? He certainly didn’t! Jayne is looking straight at him and Simon is smiling softly.   
“Good to have the two of you back onboard,” Mal says and climbs up.

 

\----------------------------------------------- 

 

“Fuck Simon!” Where the hell did ya learn that?” Jayne can barely breathe.

 

\---------------------------------------------------

 

Kaylee is sitting on the couch fiddling with some mechanical thing. Simon walks over and joins her, bringing a book with him. Their friendship was a bit stained in the beginning but now they seem to get along rather well. 

“Bored?” Simon asks. 

“Yeah, ain’t nothing to do. Serenity’s running just fine.” She turns to face Simon “And you?” Simon smiles 

“Finished cleaning the Infirmary so I thought I would read.” he taps the book. 

“Jayne too busy to entertain you?” Wash walks into the room. Simon blushes. Kaylee giggles and nudges Simon with her elbow. “So” Wash says as he sits down next to Simon “I’ve been thinking,” he winks at Kaylee. 

“About what?” Kaylee asks innocently. 

“You think Jayne tops every time?” Simon thinks he’s going to pass out. 

“WHAT?” he yells. 

“Well,” Kaylee says smiling at Wash “Jayne is bigger,” she pauses enjoying Simon’s mortification “Probably all over,” she continues. 

Simon tries to get up but Wash puts a hand on his chest. “Stay, please Doctor, and enlighten us.” Simon starts to panic and does the only thing he can think of. 

“JAYNE!” he calls. With amazing speed the merc runs into the room and stops when he sees Simon is safe. 

“Wha’?” he asks. 

“Oh we were just asking Simon who tops,” Wash smiles at Jayne. 

“Tops wha’?” the big man looks confused. 

“Sex Jayne!” Kaylee clarifies. Jayne smiles real big and snorts 

“That’s for me an’ Simon ta know!” he looks at Simon and wonders just how he can blush like that after what Simon did to him just a few hours ago. 

“And maybe we ought to refresh our memories!” Simon suddenly says, getting up from the couch. He walks over, takes Jayne’s hand and starts to drag him toward their room. Jayne looks over his shoulder and laughs when he sees Kaylee’s and Wash’s surprised faces.

 

\-----------------------------------------------

 

“What are they doing?” Inara asks as she observes Simon and Jayne standing close. 

Jayne is showing the doctor something and waving his hand in the direction of some old crates with pieces of paper stuck to them. They’ve landed on a desert moon because Kaylee and Wash have to do some repairs on the ship. 

“Jayne thinks the boy needs to learn how to shot,” Mal says smiling in greeting. 

“Really?” Inara seems interested. 

“It’s truly baffling. Them two,” Mal says holding a hand up to keep the sun out of his eyes. 

“Why?”

“Wha’cha mean why? Look at them! They couldn’t be more different,” Mal can’t believe the Companion can’t see that. 

“It’s true that on the surface they are very different but they have things in common, if you only take the time to look,” 

Mal is surprised “Things in common? Them!” Inara just nods. 

“They are both stubborn, they take good care of the people that matter to them…,” Mal interrupts 

“Nobody matters to Jayne.” 

“Not true. He still sends letters and money to his mother and he worries about his siblings.” 

Mal has to admit it. If nothing else that god-awful orange hat should prove that Jayne’s mother loves him. And Jayne wears it so he must really love her.

 

\-------------------------------------------------

 

It’s strange, Mal thinks, they’re just sitting on the couch. Simon reading, turning the pages slowly and chewing on his lower lip. Jayne is sitting next to him, sharpening Binky. 

They’re just sitting there but Mal feels like an intruder, feels like he just walked in on them. Simon pulls his legs up, settling in a more comfortable position closer to Jayne and starts slowly rubbing his index finger against his lips. Occasionally he lets the tip of his tongue touch the fingertip. Jayne turns, his eyes fixed on the motion of finger on lips and reaches out to caress Simon’s cheek. 

The younger man turns his head and kisses the palm of the merc’s hand. Mal is standing in the doorway but he swears he can see Jayne’s eyes grow dark with lust. The doc smiles and keeps reading. Jayne puts Binky down, takes Simon’s book and carefully puts it down on the table and stands up. 

“Did you want something, Jayne?” Simon asks looking up at him. 

“Gorramn tease,” Jayne growls, grabs the laughing doc, pulls him up and starts pushing him out of the room. 

“Wow,” Mal hears Simon tease “Five minutes! Jayne that’s a new personal record for you.” 

“Shut up,” Jayne answers. 

“Usually you pounce on me after two or three!” 

“Shut up or I’ll gag ya.” 

“Promises, promises.” 

 

\----------------------------------------------------

 

Mal doesn’t like this but he doesn’t have a choice. 

He needs someone who can pull off looking respectable and stuck up. He can’t take Jayne because…well because he’s Jayne and that just leaves Simon. His shooting is decent these days and he oozes of money and respectability when he needs to. 

So it’s Mal and Simon working on this job. Jayne has told Mal exactly what he’ll do to Mal if Simon gets hurt. It suffices to say that Binky will be involved and most likely Vera as well.

 

\-----------------------------------------------------

 

“Please…please…Jayne” Simon moans. “’S okay,” Jayne whispers “Almost there.”

 

\----------------------------------------------------

 

Sometimes Jayne wonders why the hell Simon is wasting his time on him. He’s not complaining mind you. No! But sometimes he wonders. He can’t be what Simon dreamt about back when he wasn’t a fugitive. 

And he’s had the thought once or twice, after they returned from Deannach, that sooner or later Simon will realise that Jayne isn’t what he wants. That he’ll leave. Maybe Simon senses that sometimes, cause he sure as hell does his best to convince Jayne that this, Jayne and everything about him, is what he wants. 

Jayne props himself up on his elbow and looks down at the sleeping man sharing his bed. He traces the scar on Simon’s cheek with a calloused thumb. Jayne kisses him. Simon shifts in his sleep curling into Jayne’s embrace. 

 

\---------------------------------------------------

 

They go over the plan one last time during dinner. 

Simon will pretend to be a wealthy art collector and Mal will be his bodyguard. They are going to steal a painting worth a fair amount of money. To gain access to the gallery, where the painting is stored, they will have to convince the owner that Simon - or Mr. Dannan as he will be called - is wealthy enough to actually buy it. 

So Simon has a new three-piece-suit and leather shoes. Mal doesn’t really like it, but he was convinced by Inara, so he ended up with new clothes as well. Simon is laughing and telling the others how angry the tailor was because Mal just wouldn’t stand still. 

“So he asks Mal which side he dresses to…you know,” Simon blushes “Left or right” Mal shakes his head and smiles “And Mal says he doesn’t know. So this little man…he does something with the pins and Mal screams out THE RIGHT! THE RIGHT!” 

They all laugh and Jayne tussles Simon’s hair and whispers something in his ear. Simon sniggers but stops immediately when he sees River grab Mal by the collar of his shirt. 

She starts yelling “You have to tell them or they won’t stop! They won’t! They'll hurt him. You can’t tell. You have to promise. Please. Tell them!” 

Mal gets up and stumbles backwards when the girl keeps pushing. Simon quietly walks over so not to startle her and reaches out but she lets go of the Captain and runs past her brother. She stops in front of Jayne and spits on the floor and looks him in the eyes. 

“You hurt him. Betray him. Breaks his heart,” She is cursing Jayne and his entire family eight generations back when she feels the needle penetrate her skin and slowly she sways until Jayne catches her and holds her. Simon bends down and touches her face. 

“He wouldn’t River. Maybe once but not anymore. He’ll never hurt me.” 

Her mind is filled with images of what will happen and she has no way to warn them. They can’t understand. And she can’t change the future. She throws up. Simon thinks it’s because of the drugs but it isn’t. She sees what they will do to her precious brother and it makes her sick. They will break him. 

“Just one more time,” she says her voice small and fragile as she holds on to Simon’s sleeve “Just to forget!”

 

\---------------------------------------------------- 

 

“Ah! Mister Dannan such a pleasure!” the small owner of the gallery says as he pumps Simon’s hand up and down in greeting. 

“Yes” Simon says condescending. “Mr. Yakamoto I was told that you were the man to seek out for the more…how shall I put it? Expensive art. From Earth-that-was.” He looks around and his eyes meet Mal’s. The Captain’s face is expressionless. 

“Oh yes! You have heard correct, sir! Is there something specific you are looking for?” the little man wrings his hands in anticipation. 

“Indeed.” Simon says walking over to one of the paintings on the walls. He studies it for a while then turns around and appears to be bored. Mr. Yakamoto looks frightened. He is desperate to please this gentleman.

“Is there a special price range you are…,” he doesn’t get a chance to finish his question. 

Simon interrupts “Do I look like a man who needs to worry about price Mr. Yakamoto?” Somehow Simon manages to make the man’s name sound like an insult. 

“No! No!” Mal is surprised by how well Simon plays the role of rich bastard. 

Finally, after embarrassing the small man a little more, they are taken to the room where the painting hangs. Mal wonders why the hell anyone would want to pay for that. It’s just some weird splashes of paint on a canvas. The colors aren’t even pretty. Just browns and blacks and greys. Simon looks pleased and nods. 

“Yes, this will do. Is it the most expensive piece you have for sale?” he inquires. 

“Oh yes Mr. Dannan by far the most expensive,” Simon turns and looks at the little man 

“Good! I‘ll take it.” Yakamoto looks as if God just blessed him and starts talking about where Mr. Dannan wants it delivered. 

“No,” Simon says “I will take it with me now. I do not trust…” 

“That’s very wise of you Dr. Tam,” a man standing by the door interrupts. 

He is tall and powerfully built. The riffle he points at Mal looks very lethal. Mal shifts in order to get into a better position but every intention of fighting back disappears when he sees Yakamoto pointing a gun at Simon’s head.

 

\-----------------------------------------------------------

 

“All we want is the location of River Tam,” Yakamoto smiles 

“If you tell us the pain stops,” Mal’s fingers are being broken one by one. The crack crack of bones loud in the quiet room only interrupted by the sound of Simon being beaten to a pulp. “Stop,” the man says when he notices that Mal is paying more attention to what they’re doing to Simon than he is to his own pain. 

“Perhaps we are going about this the wrong way?” he rubs his hands together and looks at Simon. The younger man is kneeling and bleeding. “Leave the Captain. I do believe we should devote all our attention to the doctor.”

 

\--------------------------------------------------------

 

“All you need to do is tell us. Then the pain ends,” the voice is enticing, charismatic, promising. 

“No,” Simon simply answers. “I’m not…not important,” It hurts to talk. It hurts to breathe. 

The man shakes his head. “Sad,” he says caressing Simon’s pale upper arm. “You have exceptional skin, Doctor. Almost flawless,”Simon takes a deep steadying breath, readying himself. 

What comes next will hurt.

\--------------------------------------------------------

 

Mal could close his eyes. 

He could look away. Pretend that this is not happening. That Simon is not being held down while they cut into him. But he can’t, not really. Because if he was to look away, pretend that this is not happening, then he would deny Simon’s bravery, his sacrifice. 

Deny the fact that Simon is buying River's freedom with his own blood. One cut at a time.

 

\-------------------------------------------------------- 

 

The knife Yakamoto uses is small but sharp. Almost like a scalpel. 

Simon’s chest and face is riddled with cuts and blood. The pain is sharp. Stings. All this is just the beginning. It will get worse. The man will take his time because it’s obvious he takes pleasure in causing pain.

 

\------------------------------------------------------- 

They’ve been alone for some time now. 

“Simon?” Mal whispers in the dark room. There is no answer. Perhaps the last beating….no, Mal doesn’t want to think about that. “Doc?” he says. He hears someone moan in pain. 

“What?” Simon answers reluctantly. “Are…y-you alright?” Simon asks. 

Mal is surprised by Simon’s question. 

Is he alright? Him! 

\----------------------------------------------------------

 

They come in. Three guards. Yakamoto and the man from the gallery enter behind them. Yakamoto smiles. 

“Captain,” he nods in Mal’s direction. “Ah…and our young doctor,” He turns towards the three guards. “Perhaps you could entertain our young guest while I take care of other matters?” The guards smile and nod.

Mal looks over at Simon. He’s sitting up, leaning against the wall. The biggest of the guards walks over and kneels down next to Simon. 

“Well ain’t you a pretty one,” he says caressing Simon’s bruised cheek. “We’ll keep you entertained…maybe put that mouth of yours to good use,” Simon shifts and suddenly tries to escape but the guard pushes him back and laughs. “Looks like he’s a feisty one. Gonna be all kinds of fun taking him.” 

Mal is chained to the wall and can’t stand up but he still fights and yells, drawing the attention of the guards. 

“Get your rutting hands off him!” 

“You know what we want, Captain. Gives us the location and this ends,” Yakamoto says. 

“No!” Simon screams as they drag him out of the room. 

“Not a word Mal! Please! I’ll be okay…I’m not important. She is!” 

The man from the gallery smiles and leaves, followed by Yakamoto. 

Mal is alone. He throws up.

\----------------------------------------------------------

 

No! Not this. Please anything but this. 

They can break every bone; strip his skin from his body. But not this. He can survive everything else. Bones and skin mend and heal. This will break him. Simon will be tainted, changed, sullied. 

Jayne must never know. He can lock this away, control his emotions, forget and pretend - for Jayne. It becomes a litany. They rape him and Simon repeats the words over and over again. 

“Jayne can’t know. Jayne can’t know,” he passes out.

 

\----------------------------------------------------------- 

Mal can hear what they’re doing to Simon. 

It feels as if his heart is breaking. Shattering into a thousand pieces. He starts banging his head against the wall in an attempt to drown out the sound of Simon screaming.

 

\----------------------------------------------------------

 

Later Simon returns. 

He stumbles in and walks slowly over to Mal. He falls to his knees, head bent down, ashamed. Mal wants to reach out but doesn’t. Then suddenly, unexpected, Simon grabs Mal by the wrists, taking care not to touch his broken fingers. The strength startles Mal as he is pulled toward Simon. 

“Don’t tell Jayne,” he whispers. Mal looks into the younger man’s eyes. 

“Simon….you…,“ Simon’s hold on Mal’s wrists tightens and there are tears in his eyes. 

“Please. Promise…Mal. Don’t tell Jayne,” Simon rests his head on Mal’s thigh. “Pleasepleasepleaseplease” he begs. 

Mal lets his broken fingers stroke the black hair and whispers “I promise.”

 

\------------------------------------------------------------- 

 

They’re moved into another room. In the middle of the room there is a large crate. 

Yakamoto greets them as if they are guests of honour. “Gentlemen,” he says smiling. “We can see that our attempts at getting the information we need have been….unsuccessful. So perhaps we should heighten the stakes for you Captain?” 

The guards move forward and grab Simon by the arms. He panics, fights back but he’s weakened. Yakamoto cups his hands and fills them with water from the crate. 

Simon fights harder, pulling and kicking. The guards push him forward and throw him into the crate. Water runs over the edges and one guard holds Simon down while the others lift the lid and close the crate.

 

\------------------------------------------------------------

 

Stay calm. 

The more you struggle the more oxygen you use. Relax and stay calm. Simon is panicking and Dr. Tam’s voice is mocking him, giving good advice he can’t follow. 

Simon has always hated diving; the water closing over his head, engulfing him, always reminds him of drowning. His hands press against the sides of the crate as if he thinks he can push his way through the metal. Adrenalin rushes through his body fuelling his fear. He can hear muffled voices. Maybe Mal? 

His fright gives way to memory. Holding baby River for the first time, losing himself in her brown eyes. His father telling him that failure is unacceptable. Falling and hurting his knee, his mother calling the nanny so she can deal with it. Jayne holding him. 

Simon feels his lungs burning, skin tingling. He can feel life flowing out of him, warmth seeping from his body. The sound of his heartbeat, so loud in his ears, slowing down. The panic subsides and is replaced by calm. 

He knows what’s happening, knows he’s dying and oddly enough doesn’t really mind too much. He can’t hold his breath anymore. Breathing in, filling his lungs with water, surrendering, sacrificing.


	3. Chapter 3

Simon won’t survive this and Mal is the only one capable of saving him. He opens his mouth and is about to buy Simon’s life with River's freedom when all hell breaks loose.

\----------------------------------------------------------- 

Jayne grabs the lid of the crate and flings it against the wall. He’s been moving, running, fighting, shooting and searching, but now he stands still. The sight of Simon floating in the crate forcing all the air from Jayne’s body. 

The spell is broken when Zoe enters the room. Jayne reaches in and pulls Simon out, water splashing everywhere; he brushes wet hair out of the smaller man’s eyes. Mal and Zoe join him. 

Jayne’s world is falling apart, crumbling. Then a spluttered breath, coughing, throwing up and Jayne thanks every deity he never believed in again and again.

 

\------------------------------------------------------------

 

“I don’t want him here,” Simon’s eyes are filled with fear. The blue light in the Infirmary makes him look small, childlike. “Please Captain…I can’t,” Mal nods and turns to Book. 

“Preacher maybe you aught a keep Jayne distracted for just a while?” 

“Yes,” the preacher agrees his eyes lingering on Simon’s face. “But perhaps you need him now, Simon?” 

“No! Please…please no,” Simon’s voice is small, panicky, begging. 

Mal puts a hand on the doc’s shoulders, gently holding him down. “You don’t want him to see you like this?” the Captain asks. Simon shakes his head.

 

\------------------------------------------------------------

 

They clean the cuts on the boy’s face and upper body. Most of them are shallow and wont need stitches. Simon drifts in and out of consciousness. Mal and Zoë work in silence. Mal looks up when they’re done and Zoë sees the truth in his eyes. 

“There’s more isn’t there?” she asks, her hands clenched. Mal just gives Simon another shot of painkillers and anesthetics. 

He doesn’t need to be awake for what has to be done next.

 

\------------------------------------------------------------

 

They remove Simon's pants and Mal can hardly breathe. There are big purple bruises on the young man’s hips and thighs. 

“I can’t do this, Zoë,” he whispers “I just…” 

“You should rest, sir. I’ll take care of...,” she pauses and shakes her head. 

“Yeah,” Mal says “Thanks.”

 

\----------------------------------------------------------- 

 

Simon sleeps in his old room. Because of the wounds. They need to heal and there isn’t really much room in Jayne’s bed. Jayne nods. He understands. 

“It’s just temporary,” Simon says. 

And Jayne does understand. About the wounds. What he doesn’t understand is why Simon flinches when he reaches out to touch his face. 

“Wounds,” Simon says looking away.

 

\-----------------------------------------------------------

 

Simon stops breathing when Wash pats him on the shoulder, laughing and telling jokes. He flinches when Jayne accidentally drops a tin cup on the floor. He avoids Zoë’s questioning eyes. Book tells him, several times, that if Simon needs to talk, about anything, the preacher is willing to listen. 

River looks at him and asks “Hiding?” 

Kaylee hugs him but lets go when she feels his body grow tense. Simon goes to the empty shuttle, closes the door and screams and screams. 

Only Mal can give comfort, not with words or touch but with knowledge. The Captain knows. Simon can share his experience with him without having to speak about it. Mal knows and that has to be enough.

 

\------------------------------------------------------------

 

They all treat him as if he’s going to break. As if he’s made of glass, fragile and easily broken. Only the Captain seems to realize that it has already happened. 

Gonna be all kinds of fun taking him.

 

\-----------------------------------------------------------

 

Simon looks at the syringe. 

He can’t really be this weak, can he? He isn’t addicted, he keeps telling himself. But he is and he knows it and maybe before that would have troubled him. But now? Things are different. He’s different. 

He can’t really function without it and they need a functioning doctor. River needs him. He picks up the syringe and looks at it. Just tonight, he tells himself. Just so he can calm down, regain control. 

Just to forget. Just one more time, he thinks as he injects the drug into his bloodstream. As his body seems to drift a voice in the back of his mind whispers liar. Simon smiles. 

Well, he can live with being a liar as long as he is allowed to feel this good.

\----------------------------------------------------------- 

 

They haven’t sleep in the same bed for over a month and they’re both feeling a little self-conscious. Simon undresses, slowly folding his clothes neatly. He runs a hand through his hair, glad that the lights are dimmed. 

Jayne won’t see his hands shaking. The older man is already under the covers, eyes following Simon’s every move. There are still a few cuts that haven’t healed completely but the bruises are gone. But Simon can still feel rough, angry hands holding him in place. 

He crawls into bed and Jayne wraps a strong arm around him. He fights the urge to move away. Jayne mustn’t know. So Simon just lays there, Jayne’s soft snores ruffling the small hairs on his neck. He doesn’t sleep. He barely breathes. But he does cry. Silently.

 

\--------------------------------------------------------

 

He’s trying to nod his head. Yes, of course he loves Jayne. But it’s like he’s got a broken neck. He can’t and Jayne abruptly turns around and leaves. Simon collapses on the floor and can’t even cry anymore. There is almost nothing left of him. He is slowly dissolving, disappearing and somehow it’s a relief. 

To be nothing.

 

\------------------------------------------------------

 

There’s blood spilled on the floor and everyone’s staring. 

Strange, Simon thinks, it’s not like the crew haven’t seen their fair share of blood before. He bends down and wipes it away with a cloth. But new drops of blood appear every time he thinks he’s done cleaning up. 

Book kneels in front of him and puts his warm hand on top of Simon’s. “Son?” the preacher gently says. And then Simon realizes the blood is probably his own. Maybe one of the wounds on his face reopened. He stops. 

He can’t move, can’t think until Jayne softly says “Gonna go clean that up now. Dong ma?” Simon stands and lets Jayne guide him to the Infirmary.

 

\-----------------------------------------------------

 

Mal walks by the shower room. 

Someone is taking a shower in the middle of the night. He shrugs, none of his business after all. But then he hears a sob. He stops, walks back and stands by the door. Someone is crying and the despair of it makes him push the door slightly open just enough to see who’s in there. 

Simon. 

Simon sitting on the floor, hugging his knees, warm water pounding down making his hair sticks to his forehead. The skin on his back and neck is red from the scalding water. He is slowly rocking himself back and forth sobbing and mumbling. Mal’s blood freezes despite the steam filling the room. He walks in and stops in front of Simon, turns the water off and kneels down. “Simon…Simon look at me.”

Simon shivers as he faces Mal. His eyes are filled with pain and something else, something Mal can’t put his finger on. “Mal” he gasps and shivers again. Mal realizes that he must be cold, sitting there naked on the floor. He stands up, gets the towel hanging on the wall by the door and wraps it around the shivering man. 

“Simon you gotta tell him,” he rubs warmth into Simon’s shoulders. “It’s tearing you apart,” He notices a bottle on the floor and picks it up. “What’s this?” he asks studying the label. 

“Disinfectant,” Simon answers in a flat, emotionless voice. 

Mal reads the label “Disinfectant for medical equipment?” 

“I can’t wash them off, Mal,” Simon whispers, so low Mal has to move closer to hear it. “I keep washing and scrubbing…I’ve tried everything.” 

Simon removes his hand from his thigh, revealing red irritated skin bleeding in a few places. 

“Simon,” Mal lowers his voice. “That’s not…I know I promised but this…look at what you did son,” he says covering the ruined skin with his hand. “It’s wrong…we should tell him Simon. I’ll be there if you need it.” 

“No,” Simon says loudly. “I can’t Mal…please don’t make me,” he lowers his head so it’s resting on Mal shoulder. “I can’t…stand it when he touches me,” he sighs and continues in a whisper “I’m not clean…he’ll know if he touches me…I’m tainted…sullied…he’ll know and then he won’t want me.” 

Mall pulls the rambling man close and hugs him, not caring that Simon is naked or that his own clothes are drenched. He whispers in Simon’s ear “You’re not tainted,” Mal feels tears sting his eyes “You’re the bravest man I’ve ever meet,” he tells him cradling his face in his hands knowing that Simon will never believe him.

 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 

 

Jayne was looking for Simon and he found him. 

“It’s wrong we should tell him,” Mal says touching Simon’s thigh. “I’ll be there if you need it.” 

Jayne feels his body react to the adrenalin running through his veins fuelling his rage. All Jayne can hear is blood rushing, pounding in his ears. He watches as Simon rests his head on Mal’s shoulder. 

“I can’t stand it when he touches me.” 

Jayne’s pounding heart stops. His rage is quenched, all he feels is pain. He heads for their - his - bunk. Simon ain’t welcome there anymore. He finds all Simon’s things. It’s easily done, he doesn’t own a lot. He brings it all back to Simon’s old room. River is there, sitting on the bed, looking lost. 

“It isn’t right,” she says. 

“Ain’t nothing right anymore,” Jayne mumbles. 

“Can’t see,” she gets off the bed and stands in front of him. 

“I can see fine.” 

River grabs his hand and holds it. Her fingers are slightly cold. “Can’t see Simon…He’s hiding.” 

“Wont be no need for them to hide anymore,” Jayne says as he leaves. 

“Stupid,” River says as she slips into her own room. “Only hears what he fears….stupid rutting son’s of bitches.”

 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

 

Jayne climbs down the rungs and is startled to see Simon standing there in front of the old battered dresser looking through one of the drawers. The younger man turns. He looks confused 

“Jayne where’s my clothes?” he points in the direction of the dresser as he walks closer. He’s not looking Jayne in the eyes. He hasn’t, Jayne realizes, for a while now. “I needed to change my shirt,” Simon’s voice trails off when he notices Jayne’s blank expression. “My clothes are gone. Why is…,” Simon stops when he realizes why. 

“Oh,” is all he says as he looks at his shoes. 

“’S all in ya’re room. Ain’t no reason for it to be in my bunk.” 

“No,” Simon whispers and tries to step around Jayne. 

Damn the boy doesn’t even pretend not to understand. Jayne grabs Simon by the arm, hard, he wants Simon to understand, wants to hurt him. Simon looks at the fingers digging into his upper arm. There’ll be bruises. He remembers there being bruises after…after. He panics, tries to pull away but Jayne is too strong. Simon feels like throwing up. 

“Don’t,” he whispers and Jayne loosens his grip but doesn’t let go. “Please don’t.” 

“Don’t wha’?” Jayne asks. 

Don’t ask me to move, don’t leave me, don’t hurt me. 

“Please don’t…don’t touch me.” 

Jayne shoves him towards the ladder. “Get out! Ya’re a whore an’ ya ain’t welcome here anymore,” he hisses, his voice low and deep. 

Simon trips and falls forward hitting the ladder. Jayne moves, wants to help, but Simon gets up and out before he reaches him.

 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

“Me and Simon? Come on that’s just…,” Mal can’t believe what he’s hearing. “You can’t be that dense, Jayne.” 

“I don’t care wha’ ya do,” he’s lifting a crate, puts it down and turns to face Mal. “I ain’t gonna complain,” Jayne says wiping sweat from his brow with the hem of his t-shirt. 

There is no way he’s gonna show how much it hurts, ain’t gonna give the Captain the satisfaction of knowing how gorramn lonely it is not having Simon around. He ain’t gonna show it so he says 

“Just happy I got a chance of rutting with him.” 

Mal steps into Jayne’s personal space and it takes all of Jayne's self-control not to take a step back. There’s pure rage in Mal’s eyes. 

“Shut your gorramn mouth,” Mal says, his eyes focusing on something behind Jayne. He turns around and sees Simon standing there. Jayne closes his eyes when Simon just nods and leaves the cargo bay. Jayne starts moving to go after him but Mal walks in front of him and pushes him back. 

“I always knew you were a complete bastard. But I never figured you’d take pleasure in breaking someone. Someone like Simon.” Jayne opens his mouth to protest. But Mal just walks away.

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

 

Jayne doesn’t want to go but his hand is bleeding and it’s his gun hand. He can’t afford not to tend to it. Simon is there, in the Infirmary, looking pale in the blue light. Jayne walks in and just shows him the hand. The doc nods and points to the med bed. 

Jayne sits down and Simon examines his hand, standing as far away as possible. Jayne gets the sudden urge to touch the scar on Simon’s cheek. It’s almost as if Simon knows because he steps back, lets go of Jayne’s hand. 

“You’ll need stitches” he says and looks like he might panic and run. 

He takes a deep breath and gets the supplies. At first he stands a little to the side only touching the hand, nothing else. But the stitches will be crooked if he does it standing like that. So he moves and stands right in front of Jayne instead. Jayne can feel the warmth from Simon’s body. He spreads his legs slightly giving Simon more room. 

The doc is almost done when Jayne’s hand brushes against Simon’s hip. He didn’t want to do it but…well. Simon stands completely still, he’s barely breathing. 

“Jayne,” it’s the captain standing by the door. “There’s cargo that’s needing to be moved,” Mal's voice is cold, its edges brimming with anger. 

Jayne gets up and leaves.

 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Mal moves over and reaches out to put a hand on Simon’s shoulder when he starts to shiver. The boy is holding on to the edge of the med bed, clinging, as if it’s his last chance of salvation. 

“I’m leaving,” Simon says “We’re leaving.” 

Mal steps closer “No,” he simply answers “Your not. If anyone is leaving it’s…” 

“No,” Simon interrupts “No. Let him stay…I…It’s not him…I just can’t…he has a right not to want…” And then Simon crumbles, legs giving in, and he covers his face with shaking hands.

 

______________________________________________

 

*Present*

 

Wash watches Simon. They hear Jayne laugh as he leads the whore up the stairs. The doc’s eyes are misted over and he doesn’t seem to notice his surroundings. Wash considers Simon to be a friend and the way Jayne is treating him angers the pilot. More so because Simon lets him, it’s almost as if Simon thinks he deserves it. 

Tonight is the culmination of two months of anger and frustration. Simon stands up. He sways a little, though he hasn’t touched his drink, shuffles around a bit and then leaves the table. 

He’s walks in the direction of the toilets. Zoë looks at Mal and the Captain nods and follows at a distance. Mal hangs back. Simon stops, reaches out a shaking hand to brace himself against the wall but then continues. 

When Mal enters the room Simon is standing by one of the sinks. Mal watches as he fishes a small vial out of his pocket. He fumbles with the cap, but finally manages to get it off. In one swift move he swallows the clear liquid. His hands clutch the sides of the sink. 

Mal has seen enough and he walks over to the doc and grabs him by the elbow. Simon tries to back away, fear filling his eyes. “Don’t,” he murmurs as his knees buckle in. “Please. Don’t touch me,” his voice is pleading and Mal feels as if he’s been punched in the gut. You ain’t weak. 

“What is this?” Mal asks picking the vial up from the floor where Simon dropped it. 

“Nothing!” Simon attempts to stand up, to get away. He can’t do this, can’t answer questions, can’t think. 

“Drugs?” Mal looks disgusted. “Gotta stop this, Doc,” Mal says brushing sweaty hair out of Simon’s eyes. 

“Don’t…Please Mal.” 

“He shouldn’t treat you like that. It ain’t right.” 

“Nothing’s right anymore,” Simon leans his head against the wall. “Just don’t touch me…it’s…I can’t stand it.” 

Mal forces Simon to look at him. “You’re gonna stop!” It isn’t a request. Not a friend’s plea. It’s a command. The Captain demanding. 

“Can’t,” Simon shakes his head. 

“Sure you can. You ain’t weak, Simon.” 

“I can’t. I don’t know how.” 

“Then I’ll show you,” Mal says as he hauls the doc up and drags him back to Serenity. 

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Kaylee is sitting outside the shuttle. Tears running down her cheeks as the begging resumes. 

“Please Kaylee. Please it hurts…All I need are some painkillers…just please Kaylee,” he’s been begging for hours. The captain says they can’t let him out. She’s been tempted. She can’t stand the pain in his voice. 

“Let me out!” he growls, curses, begs. It goes on and on, an endless stream of pain and anger. “You want to know why I’m falling apart? Do you? Kaylee?” 

She doesn’t. He’s taunting her, pushing for a reaction. She doesn’t want to know. She thinks she already does but Simon saying it will make it real and she can’t live in a world where someone would hurt Simon like that. 

“I’ll stay with him,” Kaylee looks up at Jayne. 

“Go away Jayne!” She says rubbing her tired eyes. 

“Captain said I was to take next watch. I ain’t here cause I wanna be,” reluctantly she walks away.

 

\---------------------------------------------------------------

 

Jayne waits until Kaylee is gone then he turns and unlocks the shuttle door. He enters. 

Simon is hiding in the shadows. “Quit hiding. Dong ma?” Jayne says as he walks further inside. 

“Let me out,” Simon voice is rough and he sounds tired. 

“No can do,” Jayne says, sitting down on the floor. 

“Please,” Simon begs. A shiver runs down Jayne’s spine at the memory of Simon, in his bed, whispering that word. “Please. I’ll do anything…I’ll…I’ll.”

“Shut up!” Jayne yells jumping up. “I ain’t touching ya!” 

“You wouldn’t want to,” the sadness in Simon’s voice makes Jayne look, really look, at Simon. He’s thinner, paler; his eyes seem glazed and unfocused. 

“Why should I wanna touch ya?” Jayne looks down at the shell of a man kneeling on the floor. “I know ya can’t stand it when I touch ya and I figured ya wanted to be in Mal’s bed instead of mine,” Jayne continues. 

Simon hugs himself and stares up at Jayne. “No one should touch me. I’m not clean,” Simon refuses to look Jayne in the eyes. 

What is he talking about? He’s been taking showers like a madman these past few months. Simon lies down on the floor. 

“I can’t wash them off, Jayne,” Simon whispers just loud enough for Jayne to hear. “It’s like they’re imprinted on my skin…Their hands.” 

Jayne feels sick. I can’t wash them off. He kneels down but doesn’t touch. 

“They said it was my own fault. That I was…was asking for it,” Simon murmurs. “I didn’t even fight back…I just took it…like…like a-a whore.” 

Ya’re a whore an’ ya ain’t welcome here anymore. 

“I thought you wouldn’t want me, if you knew that I…,” Simon sighs “I’m not clean,” he repeats, almost like a mantra “I’m not clean.” 

“I didn’t touch her,” Jayne admits. “I wanted to punish ya, to make ya hurt…I thought ya an’ Mal.” He shakes his head. He touches Simon’s hand but the younger man pulls away. Jayne nods “Guess I deserve that.” 

Simon’s eyes widen in shock. “No, no, Jayne…I’m sorry.” 

“Ssshhhh,” Jayne reaches out again and pulls Simon close. He kisses his hands, his face, and his lips. Kisses them away. Then they just hold each other. “I’ll always want ya,” Jayne caresses Simon’s pale face, whispering in his ear. 

“Jayne…I” 

“No ya listen now. I ain’t leaving ya!” 

Simon scoots closer and rests his head on Jayne’s chest. He opens his mouth to speak but changes his mind and nods. 

I ain’t leaving ya.


	4. Aftermath

“He okay?” Kaylee asks uncertainly.

“Yeah. Tired but ain’t nothing new there. He ain’t been sleeping right for ‘while now,” Jayne answers running a hand through his short hair.

“Nightmares?” Mal asks. Jayne just looks at him. How the hell did the Captain know ‘bout that.

“We can all hear him just fine, Jayne. What with the yelling an’ all,” Wash looks like just listening to Simon’s nightmares is enough to give him some of his own.

“Damn bastards wont leave him be not even in his gorram sleep,” Jayne rages.

“Was thinking maybe he needs to go back,” Mal takes a deep breath.

“What! Ya gotta be fucking kidding me Mal. Ain’t no way I’m gonna let him get anywhere near that place ever again. He ain’t drugging himself anymore ya’all know that. Done the tests an’ all just ta make sure,” Jayne forgets about being quiet, about not waking Simon up.

“But he doesn’t sleep,” Zoë simply points out.

“Don’t ya think I fucking well know that ya stupid…”

“Jayne. You should listen to the Captain. Simon needs to face his fears. He needs to reconcile himself with what happened to him. It’s the only…,” Book, a man Jayne normally would listen to, is interrupted.

“Wha’?! Ya think he didn’t notice when they tortured him, cut him up so he’s covered in scars, think he didn’t feel it when those gorram bastards raped him, think he forgot ‘bout drowning in a closed crate? Cause I’m thinking he remembers just gorram fine!” Jayne feels the white hot anger that’s been lurking in the back of his mind break free.

“Jayne…,” Kaylee pleads with tears in her eyes. “Don’t.”

“Don’t wha’? Don’t tell the truth? Ya’all pretend like everything’s gonna be alright. Like time’s gonna change things. But it ain’t. Every time he looks in a mirror he remembers. He can’t close his eyes or look the other way cause he can’t handle seeing what they did ta him,” Jayne glares at Kaylee and Wash. Both have done everything in their power to stay away from Simon.

“Ain’t like you was much help to him after…,” Mal tries.

“Cause I wasn’t gorram told, Mal! Ya knew, but ya never told me. Poor kid had ta tell me himself.”

“He made me promise, Jayne!” Mal is standing up now, arms crossed over his chest.

“Ya should ’ave known that he couldn’t handle it alone,” Jayne points a finger at Mal. Stabbing the air between them.

“He wasn’t alone I…”

“Did it help him, Mal?” Jayne asks.

Mal opens and closes his mouth. Searching for the right words.

“Did it?”

"No…,” Mal admits.

“We ain’t going back there. He ain’t going back there. Least not yet. He might break to pieces if’n we did.” Jayne ends the discussion.


	5. This is nothing

“Simon…Simon…please.” Kaylee is cautiously touching Simon’s shoulder. She hasn’t seen him like this before. All curled up and hiding. If you look closely, at his arms and neck even his face, there are still small scars.

From that time. Before. There are some things Kaylee denies to think about.

Simon is making small noises as he hides under the stairs leading down to the cargo bay. Keening, hurt, animal-like noises. Noises that cut right into your soul.

River comes over dragging Jayne with her. “All dark and lost. Never liked the dark. All kinds of fun taking…,” her small voice trails off.

Jayne gently pushes Kaylee away. Whatever set Simon off, and it could be anything, it’s not her fault. He’s already killed those responsible. If he’d known what they’d done to his…to Simon…he would have made them suffer. Kept them alive for as long as possible and then…then…

“Simon,” Jayne whispers kneeling down in front of the younger man. There isn’t much room and their knees touch. Simon is having trouble breathing. Every breath comes out as a hissing puff of air. “Simon. Ya’re safe. Ya listen to me, dong ma?” Simon nods.

“Ain’t letting anyone hurt ya! Ya just need ta breathe.”

River takes Kaylee’s hand and starts walking away. The last thing Kaylee sees is Jayne stroking Simon’s hair saying “Bao bei. Ya much stronger than this. Remember?”

And Simon takes a deep rattling breath and nods and answers in a hushed voice, “This is nothing. I’m much stronger. This is nothing!”


	6. Ain’t blaming ya

Jayne is sitting on a crate in the cargo bay. He’s polishing Binky. Well, he’s holding the knife in one hand and a rag in the other. It must have been his intention to polish it. But now he just sits there and stares.Stares at nothing or at least it’s nothing Mal can see.

The Captain sits down next to the larger man and for a brief moment he feels like a kid. Legs dangling and nothing much to do.

“It’s been more than a year now, ya know?” Jayne says. Mal knows what he’s talking about. They never really use the words: kidnapping, torture, ra..

“How’s he holding up?” Mal asks looking at Jayne.

“Ya know Simon…if’n he’s doctoring he’s fine but if he’s left alone too long…” They both just sit there staring at nothing. “It’s like they still got ‘im. In his head they still got ‘im an’ we never came for ‘im.”

There isn’t much Mal can say to that. Mal wants to point out that Book would be better for this…confession. “Jayne…look…I ain’t the one to talk to ’bout this here thing…Book’d be better.”

Jayne just looks at him. “Ya need ta tell me, Mal.” His voice is tense and anger lurks in its shadows.

“Jayne…,” Mal stands up. Flexes his hands.

“Ain’t asking ya ta tell me ’bout everything just…them.”

But to Mal they are everything. He knows it probably ain’t healthy…not talking about this but the alternative is even worse. “I…I wasn’t there Jayne. Not when they did that.” Again the word is unsaid as Mal turns to look at Jayne.

Jayne looks stricken “He went through that. Alone?”

Mal nods “They dragged him out. Took him to ‘nother room…I could…,” He tries to breathe. Tries to calm himself down. “I could hear him begging. He…I could hear but couldn’t help. Only after. He came back and…,” Mal sits down next to Jayne again .

“He begged me, Jayne, not to tell ya. We were both fallin’ apart…barely hanging on. So I promised…I would have said anything. Anything at all.”

“Ain’t blaming ya. Not anymore,” Jayne says gets up and leaves without looking back.


	7. Mister Invisible

They don’t touch him. It’s like he lives in a box. A translucent box. They dance around him. It’s eerie. Not even the unintended bumping into each other.

Kaylee doesn’t hug him or put her small grease stained hands on his shoulders. Book pities him. Wants to talk. But really, what’s there to say? They stole all the important words and left him with a stunted vocabulary. So he doesn’t have the words Book wants to hear.

Wash used to pat him on the shoulder whenever things just got too annoying with Mal or Jayne. Now he can’t even look Simon in the eyes.

River still touches, but she has a box of her own. Only the walls in her box have been smeared with a thick grease that makes looking in just as hard as looking out.

Mal pretends. He touches him but not really. Mal touches the old Simon. The Core-breed boy who thought he knew everything.

And Jayne…Jayne touches. Touches him. The broken confused, angry man. Every times Jayne strokes his hair, whispers in his ear, kisses his lips, he’s slowly…slowly washing them away.

And maybe when he’s completely clean…when there is nothing left of them…Then maybe they will touch him again.


	8. A little piece of you

He didn’t mean to do it. Really he didn’t. He always tried not to. But somehow his hands, his fingers, long and agile, didn’t listen.

\-----------------------------------------------------------

“I just don’t understand,” Wash said looking a little rattled “Who would do something like that…It’s just wrong.”

“Wha’ ya on ’bout, Little man?” Jayne asked as he entered the bridge.

“Someone kidnapped one of my dinosaurs. Just took it…What sick kind of individual would do that?” Wash caressed the spot on the helm where the dinosaur was missing.

“Who’d take a piece of shit like that?” Jayne shook his head and left.

\------------------------------------------------------------

He hid them in the little box under the bed. The things…the pieces of them he had borrowed. Nothing much. Nothing they couldn’t live without.

\-----------------------------------------------------------

“I’m sure we’ll find it, Nara. It wouldn’t just up and leave like that now would it,” the mechanic said lifting the covers on the Companion’s bed.

“It belonged to my mother,” Inara tried to stay calm. But the silk scarf, her beautiful red silk scarf was gone.

\------------------------------------------------------------

Slowly he filled the box with pieces of them.

A scarf, a toy, gun oil, a book - and hadn’t that been a surprise finding the Captain’s book tugged between his bed and the wall - a few nuts and bolts, a small wooden cross…not just a single thing from each of them but something that defined them.

Something that characterized them.

\-----------------------------------------------------------

“Simon what’s this?” Jayne asked pulling the box out. He hadn’t opened it.

“Nothing,” Simon hurried over and took the box holding it close to his chest. Jayne sat down on the bed and gently took the box from the younger man. He leant forward and put it back under the bed.

“It’s private like?” Jayne asked holding Simon’s hand in his.

“Yeah,” Simon nodded.

\-------------------------------------------------------

He didn’t take anything from Jayne or River. He didn’t need to.

River didn’t really leave a mark on the things she used. It was as if solid objects had no meaning to her and therefore she felt no need to own anything.

Jayne? Well all Jayne’s things surrounded him in their bunk. There was no reason to borrow when he was wrapped up in it.

\----------------------------------------------

“Be needing to give them things back, Simon,” Jayne said running a warm hand up and down Simon’s naked back. Here and there his hand would stop and caress a scar. A silvery proof of the past.

“I’ll lose them,” Simon whispered in the dimly lit room.

“Ya’ll lose them things, yeah. But they ain’t worth a damn. Just things is all,” Jayne drawled.

“But…they…I get to touch them…through the things," Simon tried to explain.

\-------------------------------------------

The box was gone. And somehow that was all right.

\-------------------------------------------

“Right. Here ya go, Mal,” Jayne said handing the book over to the Captain.

Mal looked at the book then at Jayne. “You took them things?” he asked looking angry.

“No,” Jayne simply said. “Kaylee, don’t know if ya need them nuts and bolts or not but anyway…” Kaylee took them and just starred at them.

Wash was reunited with his Bactrosaurus. Book gently put the cross in his pocket. Zoë just shrugged then took the gun oil. Inara hugged the silk scarf in her hands.

“But Jayne,” Kaylee said “If you didn’t then…,” she looked uncomfortable.

“An’ that right there is the reason why he took them thing,” Jayne said pointing at Kaylee.

“Kaylee made him…,” Wash started

“No ya idiot,” Jayne interrupted “That look, the way ya treat ’im. Like he’s fragile or something.” Jayne looked at them all in turn. Mal, Zoë, Book, Inara, Wash and Kaylee. “If’ ya would just touch ’im once in a while. He needs ta be…,” Jayne searched for the right word.

“Grounded,” Book said “Simon needs to feel…part of the crew again.”


	9. His Simon

Jayne doesn’t really like it. Mal telling those people that Simon, his Simon, will help them. Simon who still sleeps with the lights on, Simon who has nightmares, Simon who closes his eyes whenever Jayne touches him.

The Captain is looking at Jayne as if he’s insane. A hand held against his cheek. There’ll be a bruise. It might already be forming. It’ll start out red, then blue and black. Then it’ll fade. Become an unhealthy yellow colour. Sometimes Jayne wonders if that’s how his own soul looks. All yellow with old, almost forgotten pain.

Jayne demands to go with Simon. Mal just nods and rubs absentmindedly at his cheek.

So here they are. Standing in dirt and disease. Children crying and mothers comforting. Husbands looking defeated. Simon takes a deep breath and seems to pull on a mask. Simon Tamm the fugitive becomes Simon Tamm the doctor.

Jayne makes sure that Simon eats and sleeps. Everything seems to be fine. At least until a few women bring in a teenage girl. She’s pale, shivers and won’t talk to anyone. Her clothes are torn. Her skin bruised.

Simon’s hands shake when he sees her. Sees the way she shies away from the men. From her own father and brother. The two men look desperate. A nurse tells Simon that the “poor little thing’s been violated.”

Simon nods and a lock of hair falls into his face and hides a few of his thin, silvery scars. Jayne places a hand on the small of his back. Tries, without words, to assure him, soothe him. Simon walks over to her. She starts crying and the women holding her look at him with anger.

Simon tells them to leave. Tells them that he’ll deal with this, thank you, and the women turn and walk away. Except for one. She takes Simon’s hand and whispers. Simon rests a comforting hand on her shoulder and the woman leaves.

The girl is trembling, as she sits there hugging herself. Simon kneels in front of her. He waits for her to notice him. Then he hugs her. He holds on to her while her body is vibrating with fear and sorrow. He turns his head so his lips are by her ear. He’s talking and Jayne can’t help it. He moves close enough to hear.

“…you see? I won’t lie to you. I won’t tell you everything’ll be all right. You'll be in pain. Sometimes you’ll wonder why you go on,” he strokes her blond hair. “You might wake up in the middle of the night and think you hear them. An innocent scent might make you hide in your room because it reminds you of them,” he closes his eyes.

“You will feel dirty and guilty…even though you know it wasn’t your fault. But if you…,” he takes a deep breath and looks up at Jayne “But if you let the people you love…the people that love you, help you’ll get through this. You…” he reaches out and takes Jayne’s hand “You are much stronger then this! Remember that.”

Jayne walks away. He finds a small, quiet room and rests his head against the cool wall…and cries.


End file.
